every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
