I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
