When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
