Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
