Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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