If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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