so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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