I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
