Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
