that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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