either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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