Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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