I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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