I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
