I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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