It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
