got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
