apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
