why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
