I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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