I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
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So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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