I accidentally burped into my bong.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
