The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
