he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
