Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
