i need an iv and a liver transplant
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
