I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
