My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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