Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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