Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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