I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
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currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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