how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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