looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
