i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
