That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
