Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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