So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
