no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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