I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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