I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
