Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
