It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
