I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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