Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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