I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
