Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
