Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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