Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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