Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
