you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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