Don't make out with my wife yet
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
