If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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