we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
