here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Less talking, more tequila
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
