I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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