my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
