I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
my poor anus
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
