i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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