I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
