i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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